Shira Sebban

Shira Sebban

Thursday 14 November 2013

My take on what its like to be an adult orphan now published on On Line Opinion


Uniting the generations
By Shira Sebban - posted Friday, 15 November 2013


This year, I became an adult orphan. Not only is there now one less person on this earth who loves and cares about me, but yet another link to my childhood and my past has been severed. As the eldest sibling, there is now no one who directly remembers what I was like as a baby or toddler.

Admittedly, in my particular circumstances, such memories vanished quite some time ago. My widowed mother having been afflicted with Alzheimer's disease for the past ten years, I had long abandoned any hope of uncovering more details of our immediate family history.

After losing their second parent, many people report feeling anxious at the realization that they have joined the ranks of the eldest generation, thereby becoming more aware of their own mortality – there is now no one between them and death. In my own family, however, the transfer of the responsibility baton took place while my mother was still alive, as indeed it tends to do in families battling debilitating long-term illness, where adult children take charge of caring for ailing parents. I had also become accustomed to mourning my mother's gradual loss mostly silently within, and so it was quite a relief for my grief to be acknowledged publically when she died.

Grieving for my mother has been quite different to my experience upon losing my father more than a decade ago after a short albeit brutal illness. Not having been given time even to try to accustom myself to the fact that he was ailing, my grief at the loss of my father was visceral and raw, whereas my mother's Alzheimer's tended to offer some protection, often cocooning me, as it did her, from the full brunt of emotion. After all, there had been plenty of time to say goodbye. Nevertheless, on occasion, the pain still manages to pierce my defenses.

Judaism recognizes the particular relationship between parent and child by allowing a longer mourning period. While the generally accepted time is 30 days, an adult child is notably expected to honor their parent's memory by publicly reciting a prayer, known as the Mourners' Kaddish, for 11 months. While the prayer itself actually has nothing to do with death, I have found this ritual to be cathartic, as it enables me to draw on the support of my community.

It was also a relief when shortly after my mother's passing, we decided to donate all the paraphernalia associated with her illness – wheelchairs and other medical aids – to the adult day care centre, which she had attended over the past years. As her world had narrowed, the centre had become her only source of companionship apart from that of immediate family and caregivers. It felt wonderful to be able to help others, while simultaneously removing the physical evidence of an illness that had nothing to do with her essence as a person.

When embarking courageously on the process of sorting through their parents' home and possessions, others might start with the wardrobe or kitchen cupboards. We, on the other hand, have been going through reams of newspaper articles, spanning five decades, which our parents and grandfather marked and preserved to discuss with each other, often providing a springboard for their own ideas. As I turn the yellowed pages, my past comes alive … until I hear my mother's voice whispering, "Find an interest to sustain you…"

At my mother's funeral, my youngest son recited the ancient, well-known verse: "To everything there is a season, and a time to every purpose under the heaven: A time to be born, and a time to die; … A time to weep, and a time to laugh; A time to mourn and a time to dance…" (Ecclesiastes 3:1-4)

On occasion such times overlap. Indeed, just three months after my mother's death, I find myself in the throes of preparing for the Bar Mitzvah of my middle son. While joy is somewhat tempered by loss, I recognize how blessed I am as a mother myself to see my child mature and begin to take responsibility for his actions.

For it is not all about me. Daughter, sister, wife, mother, colleague, friend, I exist in relationship to others too and must still consider needs apart from my own. At times, admittedly, compromise is difficult, and yet, it is grounding to remember, especially when feeling particularly vulnerable, that I am not alone and can look outwards rather than solely within, turning my focus to strive to contribute to the world.

My parents always put their children first, teaching us to be modest and ethical, to stand up for our principles and to make the most of our opportunities.

It is now my turn to transmit their rich legacy to my own children, providing a strong foundation for their future and uniting the generations. My children may not have had the privilege of growing up in the company of all their grandparents, but at the very least I can try to ensure that they will come to understand and even cherish the values by which their elders lived.

About the Author
Shira Sebban is a Sydney writer and editor. A former journalist with the Australian Jewish News, Shira previously taught French at the University of Queensland and worked in publishing. She is also a director on the board of her children's school.

Sunday 10 November 2013

My article on finding meaning within Jewish community has just been published in Tell Magazine

Talking Point
www.emanuel.org.au
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Building Community with Soul

I can no longer live a meaningful life without my Jewish community. My teenage son calls it an addiction. But my love for my community does not stem from mere habit, nor am I guided by compulsive need or blind infatuation. On the contrary, it has taken years of soul searching and trial and error to find the appropriate community where my family has been able to take root, grow and contribute.

Since ancient times, philosophers like Aristotle and more recently, Spinoza have argued that we are social animals. As Rabbi Hillel famously said, “If I am not for myself, who will be for me? And if I am only for myself, what am I?” (Ethics of Our Fathers 1:14) In other words, “All Israel are responsible for one another” (Babylonian Talmud, Shevuot 39A, Sifra Bechukotai 7:5).

The Talmud actually defined the type of society where scholars were allowed to live: The chosen city had to include a beit din (law court), an honest charity fund, a synagogue, public baths and toilet facilities, a mohel (circumciser) and a surgeon, a notary, a shochet (ritual slaughterer) and a teacher (Babylonian Talmud, San- hedrin 17b). As Rabbi Jill Jacobs, Executive Director of T’ruah: The Rabbinic Call for Human Rights, has ex- plained, “in order to be a suitable place to live, a com- munity must provide for all its members’ spiritual and physical needs” (www.myjewishlearning.com).

Yet, it was not until my own father’s death ten years ago that my longing for such community became so urgent. I had once asked him whether he would wish to be bur- ied in the same cemetery as his parents and extended family in Toronto, Canada. “We should be buried within the community where we live,” was my father’s reply. By that time, he had been residing in Melbourne for more than 30 years.

He was espousing the teachings of both Rabbis Hillel and Tzaddok, who urged us not to separate ourselves from the community (Ethics of the Fathers 2:5, 4:7). Indeed, Judaism teaches that those who are not prepared to feel their community’s pain and help out when the going gets tough, will not enjoy comfort in the good times either. As the Talmud warns, “The man who secludes himself from the community, which is in distress, shall not see the prosperity of the community” (Ta’anit, chapter 1).

A midrash goes even further, maintaining that removing yourself from the community is like overthrowing the world. It tells the story of the dying Rabbi Assi, who was depressed because although he had been a great scholar and kind and generous man, he had not been involved in communal matters or disputes. As he told his nephew, “I might perhaps have been able to render some service, had I not kept to myself but taken upon me the burden of communal affairs” (Midrash Tanhuma, Mishpatim 2).

When my father died, I did not know where to turn. Although we had belonged to various Orthodox syna- gogues in the past, my husband and I had not been able to find a spiritual home since moving to Sydney some years earlier. As a result, we had flitted from one synagogue to the next, sampling a different one on each Jew- ish holiday but never feeling at home.

Nevertheless, I was touched when Rabbi Jeffrey Kamins, whom I had met in the course of my search, rang sev- eral times to see how I was faring. When upon the first yahrzeit (anniversary) of my father’s death, he offered me the Neuweg Shule for a memorial service, we finally made up our minds to join Emanuel Synagogue – after such generosity on his part, we believed it was the least we could do.

That sense of welcome, warmth and support through both tough and good times remain major factors in why we renew our membership each year. Judaism ensures that mourners do not grieve alone, stipulating that Kaddish, the prayer for the dead in which God’s name is sanctified, only be recited publicly in the presence of a minyan (ten Jewish adults – the minimum number required for community). Celebrations also become more meaningful when enjoyed together in community.

As our sons have grown older and undertaken prepa- ration for their Bar Mitzvah, our family has come to at- tend synagogue every Shabbat, even though this is going against the general trend – only 7.5 per cent of Australians attend religious services regularly. Our service of choice is Masorti: Integrating tradition with modernity, it allows us to sit together as a family.

This egalitarian ethos is particularly important to me as I do not have any daughters and do not want to sit apart from my husband and sons. Nevertheless, it was several years before I felt comfortable being counted in a minyan and agreed to be called up to the Torah. Not that there was ever any pressure on me to do so – our synagogue accepts a certain variety of Jewish practice.

It also gives us the freedom to question and acknowl- edges our right to consider different interpretations and viewpoints. As Robert Gordis, chairman of the Commission on the Philosophy of Conservative Judaism, has ex- plained: “Pluralism is a characteristic not only of Judaism as a whole, but of every Jewish school of thought that is nurtured by the spirit of freedom” (JTS: Emet Ve’Emunah: Statement of Principles of Conservative Judaism, 1988, Introduction p14).

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In addition to my synagogue, the Jewish day school my children attend is another pillar of my community. Pluralistic and egalitarian too, Emanuel School welcomes students of all backgrounds, who come together in mutual respect and are encouraged to work for tikkun olam, making the world a better place. So committed have I become to this philosophy that I decided to volunteer for the School Board when my oldest son was in Year 1 and have remained actively involved ever since.

According to Rabban Gamliel, the son of Rabbi Judah HaNassi, “Those who work for the community should do so for the sake of heaven” (Ethics of Our Fathers 2:2). In other words, the early rabbis were urging us
to be ethical when we undertake communal work. As Rabbi Yehudah Prero explains, “We must act with pure intentions, with no ulterior motives” (“Community – Then, Now, and Forever,
www.torah.org/learning/yom- tov/holocaust/no3.html).

Humility is also an important factor: The Talmud not only regards leaders as the “servants” of the community (Horayot 10a), but also stresses that they should always carry “a basket of reptiles” on their back so that if they “became arrogant”, they could be told to “Turn around!” (Yoma 22b). In other words, never forget that skeleton hidden in your closet!

Recognizing the frailties of human nature, the ancient rabbis resorted to divine reward and punishment as a means of encouraging ethical communal leadership: those who cause others to do wrong will not be “given the opportunity to repent”, while those who lead others to do good will be credited with their community’s merit (Ethics of Our Fathers, 5:18).

Sure, as Rabbi Yitzchak Blau has pointed out, the rab- bis did not think it fair that communal leaders should enjoy heaven while their followers rotted in hell, but is there really no hope of redemption for those who lead others down the wrong path? Here scholars disagreed, with some arguing that while God would not help the wrongdoers, they were still free to repent on their own. In contrast, the medieval scholar and physician Moses Maimonides is much more damning in his assessment: for him, there is truly no hope of salvation for such wicked leaders
(Hilchot Teshuva 4:1, http://blog.webyeshiva.org/tes- huva/inights-in-pirkei-avot-the-implications-of-causing- others-to-sin).

Admittedly, such threats have little effect in this day and age when many of us do not even know whether we believe in God. Nevertheless, it is still possible to contribute altruistically to and derive meaning from community based on religious civilisation. Masorti Judaism recognizes this position as valid: “One can live fully and authentically as a Jew without having a single satisfactory answer to such doubts; one cannot, however, live a thoughtful Jewish life without having asked the questions” (State- ment of Principles of Conservative Judaism, p17).

My oldest son has commented that without faith, a prayer service is just “a group of strangers singing to- gether”. Yet, I have certainly discovered a sense of in- ner peace, spiritual uplift and intellectual stimulation through regular attendance at synagogue services and communal celebrations like the Pesach Seder.

Alain de Botton in his 2012 book Religion for Atheists wrote that the relevance of such religions as Christianity, Judaism and Buddhism “to the problems of community are arguably never greater than when they ... remind us that there is also value to be had in standing in a hall with a hundred acquaintances and singing a hymn together ... or in sitting at a table with neighbors and partaking of lamb stew and conversation, the kinds of rituals which, as much as the deliberations inside parliaments and law courts, are what help to hold our fractious and fragile societies together”.

De Botton – who was born Jewish but describes himself as a committed atheist – argues for the removal of religion’s “supernatural structure” before it can help solve “many of the problems of the modern soul”.
My soul, however, does not need to be quarantined from the full gamut of my religion in order to thrive. Indeed, I am quite happy to keep on exploring the laws and customs of my heritage and culture, practicing rituals and contemplating ideas from within Judaism. All I need is my community.

Shira Sebban is a writer and editor, a congregant of Emanuel Synagogue, and vice-president on the Board of Emanuel School.
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Thursday 7 November 2013

My latest piece on what it's like to be an adult orphan



Uniting the Generations


This year, I became an adult orphan. Not only is there now one less person on this earth who loves and cares about me, but yet another link to my childhood and my past has been severed.

By Shira Sebban


Forget Me Not

As the eldest sibling, there is now no one who directly remembers what I was like as a baby or toddler.

Admittedly, in my particular circumstances, such memories vanished quite some time ago.

My widowed mother having been afflicted with Alzheimer’s disease for the past ten years, I had long abandoned any hope of uncovering more details of our immediate family history.

After losing their second parent, many people report feeling anxious at the realization that they have joined the ranks of the eldest generation, thereby becoming more aware of their own mortality – there is now no one between them and death. 

In my own family, however, the transfer of the responsibility baton took place while my mother was still alive, as indeed it tends to do in families battling debilitating long-term illness, where adult children take charge of caring for ailing parents.

I had also become accustomed to mourning my mother’s gradual loss mostly silently within, and so it was quite a relief for my grief to be acknowledged publically when she died.

Grieving for my mother has been quite different to my experience upon losing my father more than a decade ago after a short albeit brutal illness.

Not having been given time even to try to accustom myself to the fact that he was ailing, my grief at the loss of my father was visceral and raw, whereas my mother’s Alzheimer’s tended to offer some protection, often cocooning me, as it did her, from the full brunt of emotion. After all, there had been plenty of time to say goodbye.

Nevertheless, on occasion, the pain still manages to pierce my defenses.

Judaism recognizes the particular relationship between parent and child by allowing a longer mourning period. While the generally accepted time is 30 days, an adult child is notably expected to honor their parent’s memory by publicly reciting a prayer, known as the Mourners’ Kaddish, for 11 months.

While the prayer itself actually has nothing to do with death, I have found this ritual to be cathartic, as it enables me to draw on the support of my community.

It was also a relief when shortly after my mother’s passing, we decided to donate all the paraphernalia associated with her illness – wheelchairs and other medical aids – to the adult day care center, which she had attended over the past years.

As her world had narrowed, the center had become her only source of companionship apart from that of immediate family and caregivers.

It felt wonderful to be able to help others, while simultaneously removing the physical evidence of an illness that had nothing to do with her essence as a person.

When embarking courageously on the process of sorting through their parents’ home and possessions, others might start with the wardrobe or kitchen cupboards. We, on the other hand, have been going through reams of newspaper articles, spanning five decades, which our parents and grandfather marked and preserved to discuss with each other, often providing a springboard for their own ideas.

As I turn the yellowed pages, my past comes alive … until I hear my mother’s voice whispering, “Find an interest to sustain you…”

At my mother’s funeral, my youngest son recited the ancient, well-known verse:
“To everything there is a season, and a time to every purpose under the heaven: A time to be born, and a time to die; … A time to weep, and a time to laugh; A time to mourn and a time to dance…” (Ecclesiastes 3:1-4)
On occasion such times overlap.

Indeed, just three months after my mother’s death, I find myself in the throes of preparing for the Bar Mitzvah of my middle son. While joy is somewhat tempered by loss, I recognize how blessed I am as a mother myself to see my child mature and begin to take responsibility for his actions.

For it is not all about me. Daughter, sister, wife, mother, colleague, friend, I exist in relationship to others too and must still consider needs apart from my own.

At times, admittedly, compromise is difficult, and yet, it is grounding to remember, especially when feeling particularly vulnerable, that I am not alone and can look outwards rather than solely within, turning my focus to strive to contribute to the world.

My parents always put their children first, teaching us to be modest and ethical, to stand up for our principles and to make the most of our opportunities.

It is now my turn to transmit their rich legacy to my own children, providing a strong foundation for their future and uniting the generations.

My children may not have had the privilege of growing up in the company of all their grandparents, but at the very least I can try to ensure that they will come to understand and even cherish the values by which their elders lived.

Monday 4 November 2013

My Tribute to my mother now published in the Sydney Morning Herald

Naomi Moldofsky: Passionate economist who championed freedom of thought

Date
  • NAOMI MOLDOFSKY UNKNOWN-2013
NAOMI MOLDOFSKY
Naomi Moldofsky: ''Her writings will endure the test of time.'' Photo: Ian Davidson
A plaque on the door of Dr Naomi Moldofsky's office summed up her attitude to life: ''All men are created equal; it's what they're equal to that counts.''
Moldofsky worked as a lecturer and then senior lecturer in economics at the University of Melbourne from 1969 to 1990. She was a passionate teacher and researcher who championed freedom of thought and action within the rule of law. As she would often quote: ''One person's freedom ends where another's nose begins.''
She was privileged to discuss ideas with Nobel laureate Friedrich August Hayek and philosopher of science Sir Karl Popper, and was instrumental in getting Hayek to Melbourne in 1976. Professor Milton Friedman supported her membership of the classical liberal Mont Pelerin Society. Long-time colleague Maurice Newman, the former ABC and Australian Stock Exchange chairman, recalled their common belief in an open society and individual liberty. Moldofsky was only ''too aware of the dangers posed by centralised authority and conceited politicians'', he said.
''She opposed it always and everywhere. Her intellect and the rigour of her arguments meant she was a formidable opponent in a debate. That said, she was, no matter the provocation, unwaveringly courteous and polite. Her contribution to economic thought is of the highest order and her writings will endure the test of time.''
Naomi Gross, born in Tel Aviv, was the first of two children of Berl Dov Gross and his wife, Chana (nee Cytrynowski), who had left Poland for Palestine in the mid-1920s.
Her father's laundry in Jaffah was burnt down during the Arab riots of the 1930s, leaving the family without an income. According to family lore, he went to the harbour, where one ship was leaving for South America and another for Australia. It was the eve of World War II and, fortunately, he chose the vessel heading for Melbourne. It was several years before he re-established his own laundry and could afford to purchase even one ticket, for Moldofsky to join him.
After matriculating from Taylors College, Moldofsky did a commerce degree at the University of Melbourne then won a research scholarship to the Hebrew University of Jerusalem. She then travelled through Europe to Canada, where she met Sydney Moldofsky. They were married in 1958 and she began an economic history master's degree at McGill University, completing it just after her first child was born.
She then embarked on a part-time PhD focused on problems of economic development. Her second child was born before she completed her studies in 1968. She joined the University of Melbourne and, as an academic, found her calling. Her areas of interest included micro economics, comparative economic systems and Marxian economics.
Naomi Moldofsky is survived by daughters Shira and Leora and grandchildren Raphael, Gabriel, Jonathan, Ariel and Emma.
Shira Sebban



Read more: http://www.smh.com.au/comment/obituaries/naomi-moldofsky-passionate-economist-who-championed-freedom-of-thought-20131104-2wwuo.html#ixzz2jkLolvJD

Wednesday 23 October 2013

The Age has published my tribute to my beloved mother and my best friend


Academic who was committed to liberty

Date

Shira Sebban

Naomi Moldofsky
Naomi Moldofsky
Dr Naomi Moldofsky 
Economist
Died 25-7-2013
''All men are created equal; it's what they're equal to that counts.''
This plaque on Dr Naomi Moldofsky's office door summed up her attitude to life.
A strong, courageous and positive woman, Naomi worked as a lecturer and then senior lecturer in economics at the University of Melbourne from 1969 to 1990. She was a passionate teacher and researcher who championed freedom of thought and action within the rule of law. As she would often quote: ''One person's freedom ends where another's nose begins.''
Naomi was privileged to discuss ideas with Nobel laureate Friedrich August Hayek and philosopher of science Sir Karl Popper, and was instrumental in bringing Hayek to Melbourne in 1976. Professor Milton Friedman supported her membership of the classical liberal Mont Pelerin Society, of which she became a life member.
Long-time colleague Dr Maurice Newman, the former ABC and Australian Stock Exchange chair, recalled their common belief in an open society and individual liberty. Naomi was only ''too aware of the dangers posed by centralised authority and conceited politicians'', he said. ''She opposed it always and everywhere … Her intellect and the rigour of her arguments meant she was a formidable opponent in a debate. That said, she was, no matter the provocation, unwaveringly courteous and polite …
''My abiding impression of Naomi Moldofsky is of a warm, gentle and understated person who was committed to scholarship. Her contribution to economic thought is of the highest order and her writings will endure the test of time.''
Centre for Independent Studies founder and president Greg Lindsay, of whom Naomi was one of the earliest supporters, agreed: ''Naomi was one of this country's champions of liberty and we are all the better for her endeavours.''
Born in Tel Aviv, Naomi Gross was the oldest child of Berl Dov Gross and Chana Cytrynowski, who had left Poland for Palestine in the mid-1920s, and had a younger brother, Moshe.
Her father's laundry in Jaffah was burned down during the Arab riots of the 1930s, leaving the family without an income. According to family lore, he had no option but to go to the harbour, where one ship was departing for South America and another for Australia. It was the eve of World War II and, fortunately, he chose the vessel heading for Melbourne, promising to send for his family as soon as he could.
It was several years before he re-established his own laundry and could afford to purchase even one ticket for Naomi to join him.
After matriculating from Taylors College, Naomi undertook a commerce degree at the University of Melbourne, before winning a research scholarship to the Hebrew University of Jerusalem. She then travelled through Europe to Montreal, Canada, where she met her future husband and businessman, Sydney Jona Moldofsky.
They were married in late 1958 and Naomi began an economic history master's degree at McGill University, completing it just after daughter Shira was born. She then embarked on a part-time PhD focused on problems of economic development. Their second daughter, Leora, was born before Naomi completed her studies in 1968.
The family moved to London, before undertaking a voyage in 1969 on the (later infamous) Achille Lauro Italian cruise liner to visit family in Melbourne. While on board, Naomi received a job offer from Latrobe University, but subsequently accepted a position at her alma mater.
As an academic, Naomi found her calling. Her areas of interest and specialisation included micro economics, comparative economic systems and Marxian economics. Keen to imbue her students with a desire to think for themselves, she worked hard at preparing her lectures and would revise them year after year to incorporate her latest research findings.
Never one to rest on her laurels, she was constantly striving to improve. There was always a huge pile of academic books by her side, and if a thought came to her in the middle of the night, she would get up to write it down in one of her many notebooks.
A devoted mother and grandmother, Naomi always put her family first. She was a ray of sunshine who filled the house with passion, although in her later years she was tragically afflicted by Alzheimer's disease. Impeccably groomed, she maintained her independence for as long as possible, and with support continued living with dignity at home.
She taught her children to be humble and ethical, to stand up for their principles and to find an interest in life that would sustain them.
Naomi is survived by her two daughters, Shira Sebban and Leora Moldofsky, and grandchildren Raphael, Gabriel, Jonathan, Ariel and Emma.
Shira Sebban is a writer and editor, and daughter of Naomi Moldofsky.



Read more: http://www.theage.com.au/comment/obituaries/academic-who-was-committed-to-liberty-20131022-2vz9r.html#ixzz2iXinZKRm

Wednesday 2 October 2013

Wonderwomen has now published my (hopefully uplifting) article on death


Making the Most of Life

Shira contemplates the big questions.
Shira SebbanShira Sebban
Like most of us, I usually try to avoid thinking about death. Its seeming finality – the enormity of the thought that we are never coming back – is not something I have ever managed to face and comprehend fully, no matter how hard I try. Instead, heart thumping, courage faltering, I usually come to a screeching halt just before plunging over what seems like the looming precipice beyond.
Yet, on the tenth anniversary of my beloved father’s passing and after attending the funeral of my dear friend Shimon, I find myself drawn to musing about death and to be able to do so more calmly and rationally than ever before.
Selfless and discreet, Shimon was a caring man, a listener, who preferred not to speak about his own trials and tribulations, and devoted much of his life to helping others through his nursing work and later as a hospital chaplain. Listening to the eulogy for Shimon, I felt uplifted and a sense of inner peace soothed my soul – just as my friend would have wanted.
At Shimon’s funeral, we listened to the recitation of a beautiful poem, Life is a Journey, by the late Alvin Fine, which provides a realistic summary of the fallible human condition. Failure certainly does not preclude meaning:
“From defeat to defeat to defeat, until, looking backward or ahead,
We see that victory lies not at some high place along the way,
But in having made the journey, stage by stage, a sacred pilgrimage.”
Perhaps I have become more aware of death at a time when I have been writing the life stories of my late grandfather and mother. In the course of this journey, I have been fortunate to have been able to trawl through a treasure trove of family letters, some dating back as far as the 1930s – snippets of social history, which regrettably, with the advent of email and the Internet, come to an end around the year 2000. It is sobering to realise that I will not be leaving the same legacy for my children.
Written in a multitude of languages, these letters have criss-crossed the globe. Desperate letters from a sister in Lodz, Poland, in 1935 to her sister, my late grandmother, in Tel Aviv; hundreds of letters, which followed my mother’s journey from Tel Aviv to Melbourne in the late 1940s and then on to London and Montreal a decade later and back to Melbourne once more in the late 60s; and letters spanning four decades from my Canadian father’s family in Toronto to their brother in Melbourne and from my adopted Melbourne ‘aunt’ and close family friend to my mother, providing vignettes of what life was like for Australians in the 1950s and 60s.
In perusing these letters, each preserved in its original envelope, what quickly becomes clear is that no matter what advances technology may bring, fundamentally little has changed: human beings still experience joy and suffering, success and failure, complain about the economy, celebrate births and marriages and bemoan divorces and deaths among family and friends. Life continues – whether you are there to witness and experience it or not.
As the ancients taught: “there is nothing new under the sun.” (Ecclesiastes 1.9) “One generation passes away, and another generation comes; And the earth abides for ever.” (1.4)
So much toil and trouble, fuss and bluster, anguish and elation. Yet, after we are gone and our contemporaries have also vanished with the passing years, what remains? For the creative few, a contribution to knowledge they may have made; book they may have written; artwork they may have produced. For those with means, a legacy in bricks and mortar or a charitable foundation to which they may have contributed. For the vast majority of us, the living legacy of our children, grandchildren, and possibly even great-grandchildren, as well as photos and other memorabilia and perhaps sayings or traditions handed down from generation to generation.
My late father was a quiet man. In his own discreet way, he did whatever he could to care for and support his family. He would do anything for the ones he loved and he was everything to us. To him, home and family came first, and I will never forget how on the day he died, he urged me to leave his hospital bedside and return to my husband and young children because “they need you”.
My father stood like a pillar at the centre of our lives. We were all accustomed to depending on him, and when he died, we felt his absence keenly. In the days and months that followed, I could not help but ask myself how it would have bothered anyone if he had been allowed to continue driving through the streets, helping to lighten the load of his family and friends?
Until my father’s passing, I had been fairly sure that there was nothing after death. After spending years studying philosophy, I could not seem to accept the idea of “eternal life” and “everlasting peace” in the “world to come”.
Yet, when I lost my father just a few hours after spending the night tending to his needs in hospital, I began to question my former apparent certainties. How was it possible that my father could be there one minute and gone the next? What had happened to his persona, to the essence of who he had been, to his soul?
Ecclesiastes teaches:  “And the dust returns to the earth as it was, but the spirit returns unto God, who gave it.” (12.7) Today, while I am still not sure whether or not I believe in God, I draw comfort at least from striving to honour my father’s memory through my actions.
As Sylvan Kamens and Jack Riemer wrote in their poem, We Remember Them, also recited at Shimon’s funeral:
“As long as we live, they too shall live,
for they are now a part of us,
as we remember them.”
Shira Sebban – Life Issues
Shira is a Sydney-based writer and editor, who is passionate about exploring the challenges life throws at us through her writing. A former journalist with the Australian Jewish News, Shira previously taught French at the University of Queensland and worked in publishing. The mother of three sons, she also serves as vice-president on the board of her children’s school. You can read more of her work at http://shirasebban.blogspot.com.au/
Life Balance = Abandoned. The. Search.

Tuesday 17 September 2013

My experience has been included in the Forward's series on Mourning



Shira Sebban

Mourning My Mom

When I lost my beloved mother a month ago, I was determined not to be marginalized as I had been during my father’s funeral and shiva 10 years earlier.
My father’s Modern Orthodox rabbi urged us not to respond to the embraces of friends at the funeral. He only agreed to attend shiva once at my parents’ city apartment. At his request, my mother, sister and I came to the synagogue each evening during shiva to hear Kaddish, only to find the main sanctuary cold and dark, with the men ensconced in the cheery annex used on weekdays. The annex did not have a mechitza, so we had to sit in the sanctuary row closest to the annex, the windows open so we could hear the prayers. This time, I explained that as our mother’s only children, my sister and I wanted to recite Kaddish. The empathic Chabad rabbi agreed — as long as a man said it with us. He allowed men and women to sit together at the funeral, and I gave the eulogy. Surrounded by family and friends, sitting shiva for my mother allowed me to grieve and commence healing — just as ancient Jewish wisdom intended.
—Shira Sebban


Read more: http://blogs.forward.com/sisterhood-blog/183634/your-stories-of-jewish-mourning/?p=4#ixzz2f9WBeppWs

Monday 9 September 2013

Finding Meaning within Jewish Community - just published on The Jewish Writing Project

Building Community With Soul

Shira Sebban (Sydney, Australia)

I can no longer live a meaningful life without my Jewish community. My teenage son calls it an addiction. But my love for my community does not stem from mere habit, nor am I guided by compulsive need or blind infatuation. On the contrary, it has taken years of soul searching and trial and error to find the appropriate community where my family has been able to take root, grow and contribute.
Since ancient times, philosophers like Aristotle (Politics, 1.1253a) and more recently, Spinoza (Ethics, IV, prop 35) have argued that we are social animals. As Rabbi Hillel famously said, “If I am not for myself, who will be for me? And if I am only for myself, what am I?” (Ethics of Our Fathers 1:14) In other words, “All Israel are responsible for one another” (Babylonian Talmud, Shevuot 39A, Sifra Bechukotai 7:5).
The Talmud actually defined the type of society where scholars were allowed to live: The chosen city had to include a beit din (law court), an honest charity fund, a synagogue, public baths and toilet facilities, a mohel (circumciser) and a surgeon, a notary, a shochet (ritual slaughterer) and a teacher (Babylonian Talmud, Sanhedrin 17b). As Rabbi Jill Jacobs, Executive Director of T’ruah: The Rabbinic Call for Human Rights, has explained, “in order to be a suitable place to live, a community must provide for all its members’ spiritual and physical needs” (www.myjewishlearning.com).
Yet, it was not until my own father’s death ten years ago that my longing for such community became so urgent. I had once asked him whether he would wish to be buried in the same cemetery as his parents and extended family in Toronto, Canada. “We should be buried within the community where we live,” was my father’s reply. By that time, he had been residing in Melbourne, Australia, for more than 30 years.
He was espousing the teachings of both Rabbis Hillel and Tzaddok, who urged us not to separate ourselves from the community (Ethics of the Fathers 2:5, 4:7). Indeed, Judaism teaches that those who are not prepared to feel their community’s pain and help out when the going gets tough, will not enjoy comfort in the good times either. As the Talmud warns, “The man who secludes himself from the community, which is in distress, shall not see the prosperity of the community” (Ta’anit, chapter 1).
midrash goes even further, maintaining that removing yourself from the community is like overthrowing the world. It tells the story of the dying Rabbi Assi, who was depressed because although he had been a great scholar and kind and generous man, he had not been involved in communal matters or disputes. As he told his nephew, “I might perhaps have been able to render some service, had I not kept to myself but taken upon me the burden of communal affairs” (Midrash Tanhuma, Mishpatim 2).
When my father died, I did not know where to turn. Although we had belonged to various Orthodox synagogues in the past, my husband and I had not been able to find a spiritual home since moving to a new city some years earlier. As a result, we had flitted from one synagogue to the next, sampling a different one on each Jewish holiday but not feeling “at home” in any of them.
Nevertheless, I was touched when one of the rabbis, whom I had met in the course of my search, rang several times to see how I was faring. When upon my father’s first yahrzeit (anniversary after death), the same rabbi offered me his synagogue for a memorial service, we finally made up our minds to join his congregation – after such generosity on his part, we believed it was the least we could do.
That sense of welcome, warmth and support through both tough and good times remain major factors in why we renew our membership each year. Judaism ensures that mourners do not grieve alone, stipulating that Kaddish, the prayer for the dead in which God’s name is sanctified, only be recited publicly in the presence of a minyan (ten Jewish adults – the minimum number required for community). Celebrations also become more meaningful when enjoyed together in community.
As our sons have grown older and undertaken preparation for their Bar Mitzvah, our family has come to attend synagogue every Shabbat. Our shule of choice is Conservative (Masorti): Integrating tradition with modernity, it allows us to sit together as a family instead of banishing me behind a mechitza (partition to separate men and women).
This egalitarian ethos is particularly important to me as I do not have any daughters and would otherwise be sitting apart from my husband and sons. Nevertheless, it was several years before I felt comfortable being counted in aminyan and agreed to be called up to the Torah. Not that there was ever any pressure on me to do so – our synagogue accepts a certain variety of Jewish practice.
It also gives us the freedom to question and acknowledges our right to consider different interpretations and viewpoints. As Robert Gordis, chairman of the Commission on the Philosophy of Conservative Judaism, has explained: “Pluralism is a characteristic not only of Judaism as a whole, but of every Jewish school of thought that is nurtured by the spirit of freedom” (JTS: Emet Ve’Emunah: Statement of Principles of Conservative Judaism, 1988, Introduction p14).
In addition to my synagogue, the Jewish day school my children attend is another pillar of my community. Pluralistic and egalitarian too, it welcomes students of all backgrounds, who come together in mutual respect and are encouraged to work for tikkun olam, making the world a better place. So committed have I become to this philosophy that I decided to volunteer for the School Board when my oldest son was in first grade and have remained actively involved ever since.
According to Rabban Gamliel, the son of Rabbi Judah HaNassi, “Those who work for the community should do so for the sake of heaven” (Ethics of Our Fathers2:2). In other words, the early rabbis were urging us to be ethical when we undertake communal work. As Rabbi Yehudah Prero explains, “We must act with pure intentions, with no ulterior motives” (“Community – Then, Now, and Forever, www.torah.org/learning/yomtov/holocaust/no3.html).
Humility is also an important factor: The Talmud not only regards leaders as the “servants” of the community (Horayot 10a), but also stresses that they should always carry “a basket of reptiles” on their back so that if they “became arrogant”, they could be told to “Turn around!” (Yoma 22b). In other words, never forget that family skeleton hidden in your closet!
Recognizing the frailties of human nature, the ancient rabbis resorted to divine reward and punishment as a means of encouraging ethical communal leadership: those who cause others to do wrong will not be “given the opportunity to repent”, while those who lead others to do good will be credited with their community’s merit (Ethics of Our Fathers, 5:18).
Sure, as Rabbi Yitzchak Blau has pointed out, the rabbis did not think it fair that communal leaders should enjoy heaven while their followers rotted in hell, but is there really no hope of redemption for those who lead others down the wrong path? Here scholars disagreed, with some arguing that while God would not help the wrongdoers, they were still free to repent on their own. In contrast, the medieval scholar and physician Moses Maimonides is much more damning in his assessment: for him, there is truly no hope of salvation for such wicked leaders (Hilchot Teshuva 4:1, http://blog.webyeshiva.org/teshuva/inights-in-pirkei-avot-the-implications-of-causing-others-to-sin).
Admittedly, such threats have little effect in this day and age when many of us don’t even know whether we believe in God. Nevertheless, it is still possible to contribute altruistically to and derive meaning from community based on religious civilization. Conservative (Masorti) Judaism recognizes this position as valid: “One can live fully and authentically as a Jew without having a single satisfactory answer to such doubts; one cannot, however, live a thoughtful Jewish life without having asked the questions” (Statement of Principles of Conservative Judaism, p17).
My oldest son has commented that without faith, a prayer service is just “a group of strangers singing together”. Yet, I have certainly discovered a sense of inner peace, spiritual uplift and intellectual stimulation through regular attendance at synagogue services and communal celebrations like the Pesach Seder.
To quote the writer Alain de Botton: The “relevance” of such religions as Christianity, Judaism and Buddhism “to the problems of community are arguably never greater than when they … remind us that there is also value to be had in standing in a hall with a hundred acquaintances and singing a hymn together … or in sitting at a table with neighbors and partaking of lamb stew and conversation, the kinds of rituals which, as much as the deliberations inside parliaments and law courts, are what help to hold our fractious and fragile societies together” (2012, Religion for Atheists: A Non-Believer’s Guide to the Uses of Religion, London: Penguin Books, p50).
De Botton – who was born Jewish but describes himself as a committed atheist – argues for the removal of religion’s “supernatural structure” before it can help solve “many of the problems of the modern soul” (pp311-312).
My soul, however, does not need to be quarantined from the full gamut of my religion in order to thrive. Indeed, I am quite happy to keep on exploring the laws and customs of my heritage and culture, practicing rituals and contemplating ideas from within Judaism. All I need is my community.
Shira Sebban, a writer and editor based in Sydney, Australia, worked as a journalist for the Australian Jewish News. She previously taught French at the University of Queensland and worked in publishing. She also serves as vice-president on the board of  Emanuel School, a pluralistic and egalitarian Jewish Day School. You can read more of her work at: http://jewishwritingproject.wordpress.com/category/australian-jewry/ http://www.onlineopinion.com.au/view.asp?article=13636  and at http://shirasebban.blogspot.com.au/

Saturday 24 August 2013

I Am A Boat Person has republished my piece on refugees


"The refugee world is chaotic. Usually it’s only those urgently needing to flee immediate danger, who would be desperate enough to ignore any deterrent to make that dangerous journey or to send their children to freedom. I should know: my family history is full of boat people, as I’m sure, is yours." - Shira Sebban

Read Shira's full article "We Are All Boat People" here
http://www.wonderwomenglobal.com/we-are-all-boat-people/

Thanks for sharing your story Shira!
Photo: "The refugee world is chaotic. Usually it’s only those urgently needing to flee immediate danger, who would be desperate enough to ignore any deterrent to make that dangerous journey or to send their children to freedom. I should know: my family history is full of boat people, as I’m sure, is yours." - Shira Sebban

Read Shira's full article "We Are All Boat People" here
http://www.wonderwomenglobal.com/we-are-all-boat-people/

Thanks for sharing your story Shira!1